Stress and Fickle Uncle Sam

Have you ever taken one of those stress inventories? I have in the past, then had to again last week for my social psychology class. There are many variations, but this is the one I did. I scored a 358... that's in the highest bracket...

Thing is, I don't FEEL stressed. Sure, when you have me mark off all the life-changing events that have happened in the past 12 months, it seems that way... but I don't live on that level daily.

Until this past Friday, that is.

When we got the email that we're not going to Ft. Leonard Wood, the floodgates opened... for several hours... I know myself well enough to know that I just needed to get out the emotion, and really, in many ways I'm glad that happened before labor! (not to say it won't happen again, but still...)

The first month after we found out that's where we were going, I didn't believe it. I didn't LET myself believe it- it was within an easy day's drive of family, and- more importantly- non-deployable. Then... I did let myself believe it. See, if they would have told us four months ago that he'd deploy soon (which hasn't been said, but I'm assuming at this point), I would have been prepared... Friday, I was not.

I suppose I have always been that way. I let things build up inside me until it all comes crashing down. I have learned over the years to monitor it and not let it get to that point... this time, not so much...

There are actually several positive things about not going to Leonard Wood. One is simply that we have several more PCSes (Army moves) in front of us- living closer to family might be even better a couple tours down the road than now.

Another is that, honestly, I married a soldier. A soldier who wants to be with infantry or other combat arms battalions, who really, in his heart of hearts, wouldn't mind deploying. I don't for a second question his desire to be with me or the baby- I know that we matter more to him than anything... which is why I don't hold it against him. I know way too many wives who resent their husbands for the career they chose and hate the Army because of it. Me not accepting his desire to deploy would not only be denying reality... it would be denying my husband of the joy and satisfaction he finds in his job.

So, though disappointing, it wasn't devastating news... but I couldn't have admitted that Friday night. Friday night, I felt like my world had crashed around me, that all that was good was gone. (What? Dramatic? Me?) I suppose that happens when you score in the highest bracket on stress tests...