One year

It seems fitting.

One year ago today was one year since I wrote on this blog. Since I even opened the blogger page, as a matter of fact.

There are many, many reasons behind this. One, that I've talked about before, is Facebook. That's my outlet now.

But that's not the biggest reason. The biggest reason is that, contrary to what I thought on June 12, 2010, CPE experiences are, many times, not something to be shared. It is such an intense, personal, unique-to-every-person, challenging experience, that a public blog isn't really the place to write about it. (That said, if you found my blog because you are a chaplain/ spouse and are headed to CPE, contact me. I will share. :-)

On June 12, 2010, I had no.idea. what was about to hit. I think someone could have even told me about what CPE was like for them, and I still would have been unprepared.

Enough on that.

On to other news. Thankfully (though that word seems immensely inadequate), CPE is OVER! Next week we are on to Ft. Leavenworth, KS, where Jon will be utilizing the CPE training at the prison. He will do well in that environment... and I will do well back in the midwest and within a day's drive of family! :-)

Speaking of family... #3 will be here in September! I might just break my "once a year blogging" routine and tell you a little more about that. Maybe.

Anyway. Last night, I got a Facebook message from Meredith telling me she found a comment I left on her blog a couple years ago - long before we ever imagined we'd meet, let alone knew our husbands would go through CPE together! It gave me some motivation to sign back in, and here I am. Will I come back any time soon? Probably not. Maybe. We'll see...

New Again

We're here!

We made it to Fort Lewis, Washington a couple weeks ago. Jon took some leave, so we've had time to get settled in - that was great! The trek from Alabama to Seattle was long, but not nearly as bad as we had dreaded - the kids were troopers!

So now begins a whole new chapter. Up until this point, Jon has, with one exception, been a battalion chaplain, serving 700-1000 Soldiers. Ministry in that environment had become normalized and a way of life for both of us.

Now, however, he has shifted into "Student Status" - his primary job this next year is completing the CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) training and working on his Doctorate of Ministry. We met yesterday with the supervisor, the outgoing class, Jon's incoming classmates (he's one of 5), and all their families. That took some of the mystery out of it. It seems it will be a challenging year, but I think we'll really enjoy it.

One of my original purposes for this blog was to share my experience as an Army chaplain's wife. But, like I said, there were fewer & fewer new things worth sharing! :-) And, the older Sophie gets, the less comfortable I am putting up pictures on here. I know Facebook has its own privacy issues, but at least I have some sort of control over that. So, no more pictures here, and little family updates. If you want to be my FB friend, look me up!

All that to say, now that we ARE having new experiences, I hope to write more about those. When we found out Jon would be headed to CPE we both tried to find stories online to get an idea what it would be like, and came up with nothing.

Have a great day!

Black Hawk Down

Last week we went to the Garrison Prayer Luncheon. These things are all basically the same - a bunch of people go to the Officer's Club to nicely decorated tables, there are some prayers, some Scripture passages read, special music, a buffet dinner, and a speaker. I've probably been to a dozen of them.

Last week's was pretty cool though. Sometimes the speakers are interesting, sometimes not so much. Mike Durant happened to be the speaker at this one. You've not heard of him? Yeah, me either...

But what I had heard of was Black Hawk Down (though I've never actually seen it... I don't tend to enjoy war movies...). He was the real pilot that movie was based on. He didn't have anything extraordinary to say, but I appreciated the fact that he's willing to talk about his experiences. He spoke of how he dealt with the aftermath of what had happened in Somalia, and that, in addition to physical, emotional, and mental well-being, he had to focus on the spiritual.

On another note, when we first got there, the chaplain in charge mentioned he needed to find someone to read scripture, as the lady who was going to couldn't make it. I said, "Oh, I'll do it." Totally not a big deal. Jon & I were talking later about how, as pastors' kids, we're used to jumping in. I have played more than one offertory on a moment's notice!

In other news, we're crossing things off our to-do list for the move - we even sold the boat a couple weeks ago! It will be here before we know it!

Drumroll please...

We have an RFO!

(read: We actually have *in writing* where we're going next!)

We'll be headed out to Ft. Lewis, Washington in May. Ft. Lewis is near Tacoma, about an hour from Seattle. By all accounts it's a gorgeous place to live, albeit far far far away from family.

So the pre-move preparations have begun. We've looked at moving companies (Full DITY is TOTALLY the way to go, even paying a company to drive the truck for us), just today we sold the boat (don't worry, I'm quite certain there will be another one in Seattle...), we've begun a garage sale pile (though I feel an enormous need to get rid of anything & everything baby, I'm resisting that urge for now...), and we've been drooling over houses to rent.

Jon will be moving into "student status" as he does the Clinical Pastoral Education training and works on his Doctorate of Ministry. This means that this coming year his job will look very different from what it's been, but a little change of occupational scenery is a pleasant shift.

In April we'll be celebrating 5 years of marriage... and in that time, this will be our 6th move... ah, the Army life...

Reflections on Fort Hood

I have had many emotions since first hearing of the shootings last Thursday. My heart broke as I read the Facebook status update from a girl I know who recently moved to Fort Hood with her new husband. Immediately I Googled it to find more information.

At first, it was a horrible incident, but no details were known.

Then it came out that the shooter was not only a Major, but a psychiatrist.

The feelings I had at that point were indescribable. Mostly just extreme sadness.

I do not know the tragedy of war first-hand. I do, however, know it second- and third-hand, just as Major Hasan did. With a husband (and several friends) in an Army helping profession, I have seen the toll this can take on a person. And to be a psychiatrist at Walter Reed? That must have been a terribly difficult job. I’m not saying that this in any way justifies what he did. I guess what I am saying is that sometimes the unseen collateral from this war is the mental effect on Soldiers and those around them.

Some other thoughts:

~ To use President Obama’s words, “not speculating” about things we do not know is responsible. The night it happened, I was waiting for the press conference with General Cone to come on, and in that short hour, I was amazed how many things were speculated on. Even with the “of course, this is all speculation” caveat at the end of a long conversation, ideas were planted in peoples’ minds that may or may not be true. Remember this. Why even go there until we know?

~ NOT ALL MUSLIMS WANT TO KILL AMERICANS. In fact, “Muslim” and “American” are not mutually exclusive. Many Muslims ARE Americans. Many Muslims serve in the armed forces proudly. Not all Muslims are terrorists. (For that matter, not all terrorists are Muslims). Was Major Hasan a terrorist? I have absolutely no idea. Unless you want all Christians to be represented by Westboro Baptist Church (who consider the Fort Hood massacre as a judgment by God – the “Christian” God – on sinful America), please do not paint all Muslims with the extremist brush either.

~ Speaking out against the war is not illegal. Many great Soldiers are not in favor of this war and continue to follow orders. Some of the same people who cried out against the “hate crime” bill on the basis of it limiting free speech against homosexuality now seem to want to limit free speech against the government and its actions.

My prayers are with the families directly affected by this tragedy, as well as those indirectly affected. I think in some way the entire Army family has been affected, and I believe we all can feel that. It’s astounding grief.

I write this because I have seen a saddening amount of backlash over the last several days. In the midst of all our grief and fears, let’s not jump to conclusions. Let us not judge others on the basis of speculation. Instead, let’s pray for them. Show love to everyone, regardless of religion or ethnicity. And maybe we’re asking the wrong questions. Let’s start asking what we can do to help Soldiers, what we can do to support those in the military helping professions. That said, there is a lot of help available that people just do not take advantage of. Why is that? Maybe if we can begin to answer these questions, it will make us all better off.

Troops' families feel weight of war

This is a bit of a read, but it does a great job at displaying some of the difficulties multiple deployments place on military families. It references Strong Bonds, the retreat program we just did in Nashville.

As the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan continue to demand long and multiple deployments of soldiers, the Army high command is focusing more attention on a tragic consequence to military families. Soldiers and their spouses are learning to live separate lives — the soldier at war, the spouse at home with the children — and it is becoming more difficult with each deployment to get back together.

Read the whole article here: Troops' families feel weight of war - there is also a short video on the site of one couple talking about their life in the military.

38 and counting.

Well, here it is, August 12, the date that was my guess to have the baby.

The end is not in sight. I went to the doctor this morning, who informed me - unsurprisingly - that there has been no change in the past 2 weeks. The way I have been feeling, I expect the baby to make his grand appearance around Halloween - I feel the same as I did a month ago, except even fewer of my clothes fit! The other day I didn't update my Facebook status all day, so my sister took that to mean I was in the hospital! No such luck...

What is nice is that, since I got everything done that I wanted to before our Nashville trip, I have been enjoying relaxing and reading these past couple weeks!

Ah yes, Nashville. I suppose that's something non-baby I could talk about. The Army, in its ever infinite wisdom, realized a few years ago that - surprise - the military doesn't exactly make marriage easy. And since, in most cases, happy marriage = happy Soldier = good Soldier, they decided to do something about it. Hence the inception of Strong Bonds.

Strong Bonds is a Marriage Enrichment Retreat program run by Chaplains. Two weeks ago, Jon and I, along with 19 other couples from Redstone, went to the Opryland Hotel in Nashville for a few days for this retreat. Aside from a few minor hiccups, all went well! Jon taught on, among other things, The Five Love Languages and healthy conflict resolution. He is a really great teacher - of all the hats he wears as a Chaplain, that's probably his favorite! The couples seemed to interact with the material and respond well to it. Though these events take a ton of work on Jon's part, it is great knowing that these marriages are better off because of it.

We were planning on staying an extra night, but I thought I was in labor. Silly me. I think all the walking around made me go into false labor, and being 2 1/2 hours from home, I didn't want to risk it... It was a beautiful hotel, albeit a little ostentatious. The photo is of us at the garden. INSIDE the hotel.

Thoughts on a Rainy Sunday

Several people have asked me why I've stopped blogging, or at least writing so much. There are many reasons for this. One, admittedly, is Facebook. I post a lot of thoughts there, so the blog gets pretty much ignored. Then there's the fact that I completely and utterly decompress to Jon, so by the time I think to write about a given topic, I've probably already talked about it to death! Oh, then there's the small matter of being in school full time right now (should have my BA next spring!!!), and trying to do what I can to get ready for a new baby next month. (NEXT month? What??? When did THAT happen?)

The other reason is actually similar to why Jon stopped blogging. I started this out to chronicle being a Chaplain's wife, and I have few new experiences anymore. It's just life. Redstone is different from Hunter, which was different from Stewart, but at the end of the day, it's pretty much the same.

And, honestly, many of the things I would write about, I'm not really comfortable putting out there in cyberspace for anyone to read.

After listening to a story yesterday on NPR, Jon and I had a conversation about what it would look like to move "back home." I'll admit, there are times moving back to Cedar Springs seems appealing. My parents now live 4 hours away from there, so it's not "home" in that sense, but it is where I grew up. Every time I visit, I wish I could stay longer. Most of our siblings live within a 45 minute drive of there, and what I consider my home church - the one I went to and worked at in my early 20s - is just 10 minutes away.

But could I do it?

When Jon was in Iraq the first time, our plan was to go Active Duty. Long story short, that didn't work out. He came home in May of 2006, and we weren't sure where life would take us. We ended up moving back to Atlanta to work. I remember being completely terrified of this. Away from Michigan? Away from my family? Away from home?

But you know, home isn't Cedar Springs anymore. Home is not Savannah nor Huntsville. We often say that home is wherever we both are, but when he is deployed, I certainly don't consider THAT home! Many people use the phrase "Home is where the Army sends you" - and I think that right now, I tend to agree.

I feel more at home with other spouses than I do with friends from Michigan. I feel like I could walk onto any Army post and be integrated quite quickly.

A couple weeks ago I was on the phone with a good friend from high school. We used to do everything together. She got married a year after me, had a girl 7 weeks after Sophie was born, and had a baby boy in March. In that way, our lives have remained similar.

But really, they couldn't be more different. She lives in the next town over from our high school, in a small community. She is happy with her life, and I'm happy for her.

But it's not for me.

My life is the Army now. Jon and I have talked recently about how intimidated I used to be by it all. The first few social functions I went to I was scared to death. I didn't know when to stand, when to sit, how to interact with people. It was all so unknown.

Not anymore. Changes of Command, Hail & Farewells, Coffees, FRGs, even Memorial Services - they're all a part of life. I can tell rank by glancing at a Soldier's chest (though I'll admit, I still have to mentally count rockers), Taps playing at the end of the day has become common, and all my friends know exactly what it's like to have a husband overseas. I am more comfortable here than I would be anywhere else. I appreciate the diversity of people I meet, and I realize that, regardless of rank and position, that's all they all are - just people. People who introduce me to worlds quite unlike mine, people who might look at things differently.

I'm not done blogging. You'll still get your Sophie updates :-) - and I'm sure many more once Baby Boy arrives! And I'll still fill you in about what's going on now and then - but as far as the "Army firsts" - I think those are getting fewer & further between. And I'm realizing that what it means to be a "Chaplain's wife" is different with every person, every post, every year. I have other Chaplains' wives as friends who view this ministry vastly different than we do, so their experience looks different. So, I'll keep telling my story - just don't be surprised if I continue to not update very frequently. (If you DO want to know what's going on in my life, though, add me as a Facebook friend - that's a better way! :-)

I really should write more often...

I'm sitting outside right now, under the covered patio, eating chips and cheese, watching it rain. I love this. The cool breeze is such a welcome break from the 90s weather we've been having - I'm actually wearing a sweatshirt right now! Feels like fall...

It's been busy around here. It's definitely a different kind of "busy" than the last unit - but busy nonetheless. Those "leave work at 5" days (novel concept!) have quickly fluttered by... ah well... so, here's a recap of the last few weeks...

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We went to our first 832nd Hail & Farewell last week. It was by far the shortest I have ever been to - and they were farewelling the Commander! Usually these things take HOURS - even with the meal, this one was done in about 90 minutes! It was cool to get to meet more of the people in Jon's unit.

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Sophie is growing more interactive every day! She is getting to a really fun age - there are times I'm not sure what I'm going to do with a newborn again! She is very independent and loves doing things that Mom and Dad do... though not always exactly the way Mom and Dad do them. For example, she loves helping me unload the dishwasher. There is a low cupboard with plastic things she can put away, but lately she has been putting away the silverware for me. Unfortunately, since she can't reach the drawer, she has claimed another low cabinet for silverware! She very purposefully gets each piece, one at a time, walks over, and puts it on the shelf. She's trying so hard to help I can't bear to stop her!

Last night at Bible study one of the Soldiers put Sophie up to the microphone - she didn't even hesitate doing exactly what Dad does... she leaned forward and started singing away! The words consisted mostly of "duh"s and "nuh"s, but it was definitely a song! When he tried to put her down, she grabbed the mic and started singing louder!

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Thanks for all your suggestions about play group. We didn't go on Tuesday, and there weren't any problems today. There were fewer kids there today, plus one of them was a 6-year-old girl who loved helping Sophie play all morning!

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Long story short, I got some good news about my degree last week! They FINALLY got all my transcripts evaluated (2 1/2 years after the process began...) and they accepted ALL of them!!! The one blow-off AP math class I took in high school even paid off - not only did they give me 3 credits for it, but it waived THREE math classes! All said, it seems I have 3 CLEPs and 6 8-week classes left! Even taking my time (and a term off for the baby), I should be done in less than a year! Woohoo!

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We were visited by yet another "official welcoming committee" this week. It's funny to me that every group comes individually - I think this was the 3rd. They came with a cookbook with recipes from spouses (Officers' Spouses Club), so that was cool. I have heard people talk about not feeling very welcome when they move on post, but that hasn't been our experience at all! People here seem just the right amount of friendly - they'll welcome you and talk to you, but don't intrude! ;-)

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I'm officially in my third trimester! Let me tell you... this kid... shirts I wore up until the day I had Sophie are already stretched tight around my belly. After I eat, I have to push him down so I can breathe. I'm really hoping I go early again, because I have a feeling he'll be bigger than Sophie was! I would love to do a natural birth again, but if he's big... I just don't know...

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Ok, that's enough for now. I'm off to write the first paper for "Music of the United States"... it's a book report of the table of contents and chapter summaries. Seriously?!?! I think I'll like this class...

Life at Redstone

If you've read my blog for long, you have heard me "wax an elephant" about how a military Chaplain has a very unique roll - that of a religious Government employee. Each Chaplain has a different take on what exactly that means, but regardless of your personal view, what the job looks like on a day to day basis is different with each unit. And not only does the kind of unit/ mission affect the day-to-day work, but so does the Commander and his/her expectations.

Contrary to what many people think, the main function of a Chaplain is (typically) not pastoral ministry in the "church" sense. There is a large amount of counseling, plus meetings, staff work, training, etc. While there are some Chaplains who fill the pastor role, those jobs are few and far between - and even then, he probably shares the pulpit with all the others stationed there.

All that background is to say that this job is very different than what he's done, in a lot of ways - more on that in the future...

To make a long story not quite as long, Jon has started a contemporary service here! We have only met for two weeks and are about to undergo some changes (moving to a bigger chapel and meeting on Sunday evenings instead of mornings), but it has been refreshing for us to be in this kind of ministry. At this point, he's doing it all - leading worship, preaching, presiding over communion - everything. On top of that, he's doing a Bible study on Wednesday evenings. Though it's very different from his other roles, we are really enjoying this aspect of the Chaplaincy.

On a personal level, I'm loving it! I get to do a lot of those things that pastors' wives do that I never have. Or, things I did as a church secretary and miss! (Seriously, I get a ridiculous amount of pleasure from building Power Points for the service...) I am just beginning to build relationships with a couple female Soldiers and look forward to doing that more.

Jon and I have always made it a point to function as a team - "whatever we do, we do together" - but here, more than ever before, I feel like a part of his ministry and what he's doing. Of course, he still has the Soldier aspect to his job - and he can keep that! As for me, I will continue to lay in bed while he gets up to run every morning! :)

Stepping Out

Most people who know me casually think I'm outgoing. I'm not. I would typically be MUCH happier at home - even socially, I like to get together with one or two other people, not groups. AFTER I know you, I'm not quiet - but it takes every ounce of willpower to go say hello to someone I don't know. I have always felt pretentious doing that - I thought that if someone had any desire to meet me, THEY would come up to ME. What I've realized, though, is that most people don't just walk up and introduce themselves, which makes it REALLY hard to meet them! With each new place we've moved, I've tried to overcome that a bit more. I'm happy to say it's starting to work!

Earlier this week there was an FRG meeting - the first they have had in a couple years - perfect timing! :-) Unfortunately, Jon had gotten a call right before it started to meet with a Soldier, so he wasn't able to make it.

There were probably 25 people there or so, which, for having never done it, was a great turnout. I sat with the Commander and his wife, who I think were the only people in the room I had met before (Jon & I have gone to a couple Battalion softball games - fun! Reminds me of church leagues... except with cussing...). I quickly got to know the other people at our table, and after we ate, I met everyone else! It must be pointed out that Sophie is a GREAT buffer and way to meet people...

Contrary to my previous belief, no one blew me off and acted annoyed that I said hello like I thought they would! ;-) As much as it's out of my comfort zone, Jon sometimes reminds me that, as the Chaplain's wife, it is appropriate and good for me to take initiative to meet people like that. I look forward to getting to know them better!

Sophie and I have also started going to a play group that meets twice a week (though it's indefinitely canceled due to the swine flu... er... I mean N1H1...). The other moms there are super nice, plus it's great to watch Sophie interact with other kids her age! They have TONS of toys, both indoor and outdoor - once Sophie realized I wasn't just dropping her off and leaving, she was ready to explore!

Some other exciting things have happened, but those will have to wait for another day! :-)

Sweet Home Alabama!

We made it! (Ok, so that statement is 3 weeks late...)

You know, I LOVE moving to new places. Ask me in 15 years, I'll probably have a different perspective, but right now, it's great. It probably also helps that this was a good move for us - closer to family, non-deployable, etc. Still, it has been a great experience!

The new house is wonderful! 3 beds, 2 bath, 2 car garage, covered patio, family room AND living room, HUGE kitchen, tons of storage, over 2000 square feet - totally spoiling me! The houses here were recently renovated and are not very indicative of what Army housing is usually like - which is one of the reasons we decided to live on post here! (It helps that the Commissary is quite large too!)

Redstone is a beautiful area - Huntsville is not IN the mountains, but it's very hilly and the border of the town seems to be a few mountains. I can't wait for the fall!! When most people hear "Alabama" they think Southern AL - but where we are is on the Tennessee border - we're just a couple hours from Nashville. Gorgeous!

After being here for all of about 48 hours, we exchanged the U-Haul for a rental car and headed north! We had a great time seeing family - we actually got the entire Fisher family together for a day! As you can see, it's quite the crowd! Sophie had a great time with all her cousins (and aunts & uncles & Poppy too...) :-)

It was a quick trip, but we did get to see my parents, siblings, one set of grandparents, and Jon's grandmother and great-grandmother as well. And let me tell you, the 8-hour trip to my parents makes the whole thing MUCH easier to handle than the 15-hour one!

Much else has happened, too. I went to PWOC this past week - everyone was very welcoming. The group size is somewhere between Hunter and Stewart - about 20 women probably. Of course, here they have 3 separate meeting times (but child care at only one, hence my decision to go to that one!) We have a park about a block away that we visit every few days, much to Sophie's delight. Jon signed in to his unit - it is VERY different here from the last one!

Well, that at least catches me up, so I don't have this "need to write a blog post" hanging over my head. Maybe now I can write something more interesting! I did realize yesterday that it is still like February in my mind. It's April? How did THAT happen? Goes to show I've been a bit out of it lately...

Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen

In the Army, when a person leaves, it is officially a "Farewell" - it's used as a noun, a verb, and an adjective. (Conversely, the same is true of "Hailing" someone new...) Anyway, we've had several of these over the past week, and this week will bring even more...

~ Thursday morning we did our official transition of leadership at PWOC. It was, of course, emotional. We used the same script I used last year installing Misty at Ft. Stewart when we thought we were moving in December. They gave me a plate they had all signed, I gave my speech, then I quietly slipped out while they started the study time. I have to admit, the advent of Facebook in my life has dramatically decreased the need for goodbyes!

~ Yesterday morning they recognized us at Chapel. As a wife, it was very honoring to be recognized individually, apart from Jon, for the energy I have put in there, specifically through PWOC. We are a team in everything we do; my involvement in the Chapel I look at as an extension of his ministry. Even still, it is nice that people see me as Sara, not just as Chaplain Fisher's wife.

The best part, though, was when Chaplain Godfrey talked about how much he'll miss Sophie! He pointed out that she took some of her first steps in that Chapel and is part of that community. It's true - she's more comfortable in the Chapel fellowship hall or nursery than she is anywhere other than home. Stands to reason - she spends the most time there.

~ Last night we went to Jon's Battalion Commander's house for dinner, along with one of the Company Commanders and First Sergeants who are also both leaving. 1SG Davis is retiring, and CPT Whittacre is actually leaving for Kuwait this week! I remember meeting both their wives at a get-together at that very same house just about a year ago (it is the 603d Commander's house, so it's the same building, just with different furniture!). A lot has happened since then, both in all our lives and in the unit.


Like always, those things will shape who I become; each experience I have had at Hunter Army Airfield will in some way affect who I am in the future. That makes it easier for me, as I have a ridiculous need for closure. The knowledge that I am not leaving this place unchanged in itself adds closure to this chapter in my life.

And for that, I am thankful.

Movin' on up!

In the Army, every time you're up for move (PCS), you fill out preference sheet, or, as is commonly called, a "dream sheet." A few months ago Jon and I carefully filled it out, weighing where we would like to live geographically with what he would like to do - and open slots.

Fast forward to last week. Jon got the call. I had never heard of the place.

Think it was on our dream sheet? ;-)

So, once again, "the needs of the Army" trumped our "dreams"... BUT... it is actually really great!!!

Redstone Arsenal in Huntsville, Alabama. It is much closer to family (8 hours to the closest, instead of 15 like here), further north (better seasons!), and, the best part... (drumroll please...) it's non-deployable! Jon will be with an AIT Battalion (Advanced Individual Training - it's where Soldiers learn to do their "job" in the Army after Basic Training).

I can hear your protests already. You, like many of our friends and family, may be wondering if the Army is going to do what it has done so many times before: change its mind.

Well, possibly. Of course, we can't rule that out. That said, we are further along in this process than we have ever been. The whole Ft. Leonard Wood thing? That was nothing more than a phone call. We have this in official writing.

Oh... one other thing... it's an "immediate fill" - we leave in 6 weeks! Good thing we didn't buy a house this time! :-)

Army suicides surpass combat deaths in January

Have you seen this?

More Soldiers committed suicide last month than were killed in combat in Iraq and Afghanistan combined.

Let that sink in.

Here's an excerpt from the article:

The seven confirmed suicides and 17 other suspected suicides in January were far above the toll for most months....

Usually the vast majority of suspected suicides are eventually confirmed. If that holds true, it would mean that self-inflicted deaths in January surpassed the 16 combat deaths reported last month in all branches of the armed forces in Iraq, Afghanistan and other nations considered part of the global fight against terrorism.

Notice, too, that it's not comparing apples to apples - Army suicides alone surpass all branches' combat deaths. When you add in Marine, Navy, and Air Force suicides, the ratio gets even more alarming.

The Army - and other branches - are looking into this, into the causes, and possible prevention. In fact, Jon is spending all week at Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training, so he can train others in suicide prevention. Of course, no suicide prevention will save everyone. But can we help some?

The best thing to do for this would be to at the very least give Soldiers more time at home; unfortunately, that is not always possible. (It is no coincidence that Army rates are much higher than other branches', and the Army has seen more and longer deployments than any other branch.) I remember Jon telling me after his first tour that the "rule of thumb" is that it takes 2 years to return to normalcy after a deployment (though I would argue that "normal" just changes - you never go to war and come back the same...)

So what happens when Soldiers go for 12 months, are home for 10 (during which they spend time in the field, maybe at a school, at NTC... several months away from home altogether), then deploy for another 12, home for 11 (again, spending much of that away), deploy for another 15? How long does it take then? They have not dealt with emotions from the first tour... let alone the second or third. The divorce rate is higher in the military as well - no wonder, eh?

I tell you all this just to bring to light an oft glossed-over topic in the military. Please pray for our men and women in uniform, pray for our leaders - the hope Christ brings is far more valuable than any prevention program they can find.

The Return of the Red Baron

Last January, as Jon and I sat on the couch in the sunroom, one phrase stuck out at me:

"I'll be home for Christmas..."

And he is. When he first told me he was deploying this year, neither of us really knew the details, how long he would be there. What we were fairly certain of was that he would be home for Christmas.

That means so much to me... we all know another deployment is down the pike, and with all these calls for surges in Afghanistan (wait... not a surge, right? Just quickly sending more troops...), who knows if he'll be here next year...

You know those messages that are on radio and tv this time of year, from the war? "Hello, this is Sergeant X stationed in Baghdad, wishing a Merry Christmas to my wife and kids back at Fort Stewart." They make me cry every time. Jon will come home from work to find me in tears, listening to Christmas music.

Especially if "I'll be Home for Christmas" happens to come on. It's over then.

I have found another song this year that makes me emotional. I remember it well from my childhood; it was always one of my favorite Christmas songs. Remember it?



Yep, The Return of the Red Baron. Growing up I just thought it was a fun song - it is actually quite significant. Though the events specifically aren't from the famous Christmas Eve Truce of 1914, similar events were told of all over the war zone.

Don't know what I'm talking about? In 1914, when WWI started, no one thought it would last more than a couple months. On Christmas Eve, stories are told of both sides agreeing to not fight on Christmas. They really are touching stories - I think what's most amazing is to hear Soldiers talk about how that made the war more human to them. They realized that the enemy Soldiers were men just like them, with families and lives back home.

If you've never seen it, I'd encourage you to watch Joyeux Noel. I wrote about it two years ago in this post. (Though, I feel the need to caveat that there is one scene you may need to skip through...)

Christmas is happy for me this year. I have a beautiful daughter and a wonderful husband at home. Yet, I can't help but think about all the people it isn't happy for. Whether those around me whose Soldiers are still deployed, or others who are hurting in many different ways, this is certainly not "the most wonderful time of the year" for everyone...

Remember these people in your prayers this season. Be grateful for what you have. Help others when you can.

Merry Christmas.

MER Weekend

Now this is irony.

I'm sitting on the couch, eating leftover chocolate cake and watching Food Network. Alone.

The reason I'm alone? Jon's at a Marriage Enrichment Retreat.

Yes, 'tis the season in life in which I can't leave Sophie overnight, and this is a "No Kids Allowed" kind of thing. My dear friend Lori has graciously agreed to watch her tomorrow so I can go join them for the day. It will necessitate 4 1/2 hours on the road, but it whatever it takes to be with my husband!

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I actually wrote that Friday night. Jon is now happily by my side! I did go yesterday and had a great time meeting some of Jon's friends and enjoying the beautiful island! (It was at the Westin on Hilton Head Island, SC). Unfortunately, Sophie didn't have quite as good of a day. She's cutting a tooth, so it would seem - today she was drooling and had a runny nose. Many thanks to Lori for doing everything she could to console her yesterday!

Come again no more...

It's been a long couple of weeks.

I've been putting off writing about this, for various reasons. One is that I've been too unfiltered and wouldn't trust my judgment in writing. Another is that I wasn't sure that I even should write... but you know, one of the purposes of this blog is to tell the story of a military Chaplain's family... so here goes...

Two weeks ago, Sunday morning, 6:00am. I heard my phone ring, and sprang out of bed to the other room to get it. If there's one thing that's certain in this world, it's that 6am phone calls rarely contain good news...

I missed the call, but it was the Commander's wife. Jon hadn't heard his phone ring just before, so they tried mine.

There had been a suicide.

Jon spoke with the Colonel and took off... I barely saw him over the next couple weeks. He came home exhausted every night, working seven-day weeks.

More details have unfolded since that morning, but the one big question has remained unanswered: Why?

It was actually a good friend of Jon's. Tragic situation, difficult for everyone involved. And because it was a staff officer, the people making decisions and handling the situation (the other staff officers) were all his friends.

The Memorial Service was Wednesday. The sculpture of the helmet, dog tags, weapon, and boots adorned the front of the chapel, next to a large picture of the deceased. Jon sat on the stage, stole around his neck, friends by his side.

His wife was out of town at the time (with their five-month-old daughter). I went with the Commander's wife and another Soldier to meet her at the airport. That made it more real, to see her standing in front of me. She's my age. She left a wife, and came home a widow.

A few nights ago Jon went with the Commander to visit her. At one point she turned to Jon and said, "How could a merciful God do this?"

The fact is, our merciful God did not do this. Living in a sinful and fallen world did this.

A couple weeks ago I wrote that the 60-90 day window after a deployment is statistically the hardest. It's true.

I have had this blog post sitting in my drafts folder for over a week now. Somehow, I haven't been able to bring myself to post it. I haven't wanted to write about anything else until I published this, but I just couldn't do it. One of the reasons is that I have no idea how to end it.

Sometimes I think we have to add that "but" disclaimer to everything - "but it's okay" "but God's in control, so it will all work out" ...

Unfortunately, there is no happy disclaimer for this post. No "On the bright side...", no "it'll all work out". Not knowing the state of his heart (do we ever?), I can't even confidently say "he's in a better place"...

Sometimes there aren't answers.

Sometimes there aren't bright sides.

Sometimes we just pray and have faith that our God loves us, even when the world doesn't look the way we think it should.

This is one of those times.

toddlers, dads, and wives (oh my!)

Sophie went to her first library story time today! I think she was a bit overwhelmed at the 15 or so toddlers running about, but the storyteller did a great job at keeping her attention! By the end she was smiling and clapping her hands in excitement - so I guess she liked it! We sang songs and listened to a story, then went to Panera with friends. I think this might become a regular part of our week!

It was an interesting feeling... it was the first time we have been a part of something like that. Really, it was the first time I was included in a group collectively referred to as "mommies." ("Mommies, help us sing!" "Help your little ones find their seats, mommies!") Again, I'm in that stage.

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In other news, did you see that the new defense spending bill includes 10 days paternity leave for all male service members who have babies? That's pretty awesome! (Congress wanted 21, which admittedly seemed quite steep to me...)

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I went to the new Commander's wife's welcome party with the spouses last night. It was a really great time. A couple of the other battalion Commanders' wives were there, who attend PWOC. They did some great recruiting and got a few more to commit to coming! This was the first unit spouses function since a large transition - coming back from the deployment, a lot of people left. It was a little weird for some of my friends who have left to not be there, but I'm excited to get to know the new spouses!

Maybe soon I can construct a thought longer than a paragraph, but not today.

So long!

Weekend of 603d

My pumpkin candle is lit, and I'm eating carrot-sweet potato-ginger-lentil soup. The windows are open, because it's in the 70s. Aah, fall.

We had a great weekend- albeit incredibly busy! Friday evening we had a farewell dinner for Jon's Commander. That basically entails an hour of mingling, a nice dinner (it was at an Irish pub instead of the typical roasted chicken-beef stroganoff meal we're used to having at these events!), followed by another hour of speeches and gift-giving. It was cool to meet some of the spouses of the guys Jon deployed with, but I could do without the hour of speeches...

After that we went out with Aaron & Jenny. Aaron was Jon's roommate in Iraq, and Jenny and I also became good friends while they were deployed. They're leaving in a few short weeks to go to their next duty station- sad to see them go!

Saturday was the battalion "Welcome Home Party"- basically a 5-hour long picnic. It was pretty fun. Jon got to push Sophie on the swing which she LOVED!! She had been on one before, but not since we were up north over the summer, and never with Daddy! Somehow everything is just more fun with Dad around...

Sunday after church we headed over to Aaron & Jenny's- Jenny & I went to the Commander's wife's farewell with the spouses (Aaron and Jon stayed with the kids- I could get used to that! ;-). Another chance to talk and eat food- gotta love it! I think the chocolate chip cookie dough cheese ball was the highlight, but maybe that's just me... Dawn went out of her way to make me feel welcome in the unit, even joining in the middle of the deployment, and I appreciated her a lot. She has a son about 6 months older than Sophie, so it has been fun to watch the kids grow! It was great to get together with all these spouses one last time, as many of them will be leaving soon... only in the Army are you one of the "old hats" after 6 months in a place! :-) We came back, made homemade pizza, and hung out past Sophie's bedtime... again...

Anyway, that was our weekend. Lots of fun!

As soon as I can find my camera cord I'll be posting some pictures of Soph... now that Jon is home, I'm not so diligent about taking and uploading pics. The fact that I haven't been able to locate my battery charger since Michigan might just play into that too...

Ok, much to catch up on- later!